Saturday, April 17, 2010

Day 4

I came home yesterday to be with Layla since I haven't been able to be with her much lately. I miss Harmonee though. It is hard to leave her at the hospital alone while waiting for Brandon to be able to go up and be with her. I don't want her to feel lonely or scared. But I made sure that she had nurses that she knows and loves, that know and love her as well and I know that I can trust.

Not much has changed since I left yesterday. Her weight has dropped once again, the doctors say that is more then likely from her tap, not being able to eat and wtih taking even what little fluid they did. This morning her blood count came back low, so tonight they are giving her a blood transfusion in order to help protect her liver. She slept good last night, for the first time in a few days, and has had a good day with the nurses today!

Hurry up and wait. I hear that a lot. I haven't really had much time to think about Brandon leaving for deployment until the past few days. Brandon will be leaving in just a few months, starting the 18 months he will have to stay away with A.T, training, and deployment. But of course this is another ''maybe''. Orders keep changing. They are going, they aren't, they are.

I began to wonder last night, what happened to the predicatable lifestyle everyone use to fall into. You knew where your kids were, what you would be doing that weekend. With your babies living up to the normal expectations that you always had of them, crawling, walking... living. To know your husband would be home this week (end), month, or even this year. Planning around maybe's and making plans with the knowledge of quick change at any moment, gets old after a while.

Of course I am not complaining, just wondering really. I do love my life. My girls, my husband, my friends, liver moms, and the nurses that take care of Harmonee. And I wouldn't change anything about it. Of course, as all parents would, I would take Harmonee's pain away and give her a new soft pink liver, and bring her home to be a happy healthy little girl. But I cant, and the hope that soon the call will come doesn't die. This is just how it is suppose to be right now. What ever her story is, however it ends, whatever her story will tell or the lessons it will bring, it will be worth it. We just have to hurry up and wait.

I can normally deal with my husband being overseas, fighting for his country and what he believes for a year. But with the thought that he might miss Harmonee's transplant haunts us constantly. Once he is gone, the only way to get him home for her transplant when he is overseas or at A.T is to call the Red Cross, who will call a life flight to go get him, and bring him home. This could take a week or more, and he will miss her transplant. I can't imagine how he must feel knowing he will miss his baby girls transplant if the call does not come while he is home. We just have to hurry up and wait to see what happens.

Of course while he is gone we will have sweet Layla. She fits in perfectly to this whole crazy combo I call "my life". She is my relaxation, my sigh of relief each day in her healthy little body, with the way she looks at Harmonee with understanding. She knows that my place right now is to be with Harmonee even though it means being away from her. When we are home she doesn't miss a beat being filled with hugs, kisses and cuddles when Harmonee isn't feeling her best. Each week she "hurry up and waits" for us to come home.

So I guess it is true. You just have to hurry up and wait. Weather it is Harmonee hurrying to gain the weight and grow so she will be a better candidate for a liver. Layla being ready for us to come home and be a family, and then leave again at any time to another long stay at the hospital. Or Brandon hurrying to get things done so he can be home or at the hospital as much as possible before he officially leaves so if the call does come he can be there give his little angel to the surgeons, and to hold Layla during the long wait. Hurry up and wait? I can hurry... but do I have to wait?

I have to keep reminding myself of the patience I have learned the past few months. It is the hardest thing in the world to have patience with such things, and some days it feels almost impossible. But I can't tell you how thankful I am to my friends, family, other liver moms, and nurses that help me through all of this. There is an end. I just have to have patience to hurry up and wait.

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